I am less than pleased with myself and my current eating and lack of working out lately. That darn Thanksgiving with all its delicious carbs! I really have been feeling the weight of my eating decision these past few weeks. iterally going back to eating more carbs really has made me feel physically so much bigger. I definitely know they hate me now. Its been really interesting, because of the fact that although I have chosen to be more "balanced" in my diet these past few weeks I have been able to maintain my weight loss and teeter between 2-3 lbs. but it feels more like 8-10 because of the heaviness and processing of my foods. However, I'm not complaining! This is a huge success for me. Although, I do fear I will regress.
Every diet I have ever tried, every attempt to lose weight, I have seen small chunks of success and then gain all of it back and then some. I become comfortable with where I am at and just give up and quickly forget all the hard work I put in to get to that point. I do not want that to happen this time. My biggest fear at this point is getting comfortable with the success I have seen(which is weird because numbers don't like, but I feel like the mirror does[more on that in a sec]), and just regress back to my old self.
Whenever I get on the scale I am in constant shock of the fact of God's grace in allowing me to be able to keep this weight off! It may seem insignificant to say that it is a grace of God that I havemaintained the weight, but trust me when I say it is honest grace because I know with my eating and laziness to not go to the gym, I deserve some serious weight gain! I don't know how or why, but in each of my decisions, both good and bad, of what to fill my stomach with, some how God is good to continue to give me hope. The weirdest thing is you guys, I don't see my weight loss!! Like I literally look in the mirror and can tell a little bit in my face an neck, but other than that, I'm stumped! I don't look in the mirror and see a new person yet. Granted I am down a jean size, which is insane!! I finally have been able to wear a pair of designer jeans! This is big news and if you are a dude reading this, you may not understand this at any level but thats okay, have a lady friend, girlfriend or wife attempt to explain the complexity of our brains and why stuff like this is a big deal. ;)
I get my passion for fashion from my amazing momma who exposed me to the wonder that is shopping at an early age ;) As silly and as completely meaningless as it is, I grew up never really being able to fit into the nice jeans I saw friends wearing. So 2 weeks ago when I tried some on, I was convinced they wouldn't fit because jeans like that never have before even though the size is correct. But what a surprise! THEY FIT! I know that this is probably the stupidest thing you have ever read, a girl getting excited about a pair of jeans, but it really represents so much more than just losing weight.
I have really been struggling in my heart with continuing my weight loss because I haven't noticed it for myself. My biggest worry is that I will accomplish my goals, God willing, but still feel fat on the inside. A dear friend of mine lost a TON of weight, but she sadly revealed that her heart had not been in the right place and she had gained a lot of it back. I am praying so desperately that God would make things clear to me so that I might not be discouraged by the lack of obvious success. I know it is silly to think that God used a pair of jeans to help me with this, but I can't help but feel like He did. Let's be honest, this is not a deep theological revelation, but the fact that(and I admit this a little sheepishly) I was brought practically to tears in the dressing room because of God's goodness to me to help me get healthy and honor him through this was waaay overwhelming. And really exciting to say the least!
God has given me much hope to maintain my current weight throughout this holiday season and have much hope to hit Paleo and the gym hard in the New Year. Still praying for discipline to get to the gym and just make smart decisions but I have really yet to go hog wild and pig out since not eating paleo.
Please pray for me in this you guys. I need me some mondo amounts of encouragement and I am hopeful for what this next section of my journey brings me. I don't look at this as a stopping point at all. I don't look at this as throwing in the towel either. Maybe more of a pitstop or a potty break on my long journey. =)
Here's to that one pair of jeans!
