Taming the Tongue

The tongue. Many view as just a small body part that is in our mouth, we use it to taste food or savor drink. For the french they use it for kissing…so I hear. Haha. But as little and insignificant as it may seem, it holds the power to do damage that sometimes may seem it cannot be undone. In the Bible, James refers to it as like a rudder on a massive ship, or like a spark that is able to cause a massive forest fire. Our words are a powerful thing, and we, my self VERY much included, are often too quick to just blurt whatever comes to our heads without giving much though to the aftermath that our words may cause. The Psalms say that our tongues are like swords aiming with bitter arrows, that it is as sharp as a serpent’s and that it plots destruction. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” What an overwhelming tool we are given to either speak life or bring despair to people.

Believe it or not, I have never had a problem with talking. Speaking in front of crowds, bring it on, I rarely suffer from stage fright, an audience is not necessarily something that causes me to get clammy hands or cottonmouth. My entire life I have always had something to say. Even at the age of 3 I was talking for my infant brother, which to this day, at 22, he stills blames as the reason that he was shy for almost of his childhood and adolescence. Only until about 5 years ago did I realize how much I used the power of the tongue and my speech to harm others. Always involuntarily, I never said anything that was made-up or a lie, at least I thought it wasn’t. I had talked to valid sources, the people themselves in fact! Therefore that gave me permission to tell others my friends and acquaintances these stories because they were valid and true right? Wrong. I was a gossip. Still am, it is something that is rooted very deeply within my heart and it wasn’t until recently that I have realized the great damage I had been doing to those I care about most out of my “innocent” need to tell stories that did not concern, nor really involve me in any way in the slightest. Oh the people I fear I have hurt over the years because of me knowing how to justify this sin and continue to do it without feeling guilt. I grew numb to my gossiping because I am not kidding you, I knew how to talk my way out and around my “storytelling.“ That’s what I liked to call it in order for me to keep at it without feeling bad.
Oh how I am thankful that Jesus revealed this to me through a person I would have least expected. During my internship as a 19 year old one of my closest friends at the time pretty much just called me straight out on my gossiping. And it was so amazing how Jesus used him to do it because I was not really offended with it coming from him, I was in disbelief, and honestly, almost thankful for his boldness in saying it to me. Granted the grapevine I used that evening was about 5 people long and was about a dude straightening his hair. Very harmless I thought. Stupid really. What was the point in me even asking? Dumb Tay, dumb. What a pointless story. What had I become? When did I become a gossip that was this bad? If I was going through the grapevine about a dude straightening his hair, what else had I been saying about friends? People I care about? People I love? How many people had I hurt unintentionally in this same way? It was such a humiliating and scary revelation moment as a somewhat independent, young adult trying to figure out how who I was and how I could serve in the church and honor Christ. And here I was flapping my gums non-stop.
I am so thankful to Christ for this revelation and revealing this sin and allowing pastors, leaders and friends into my life that were there for me. I am thankful for the community Christ led me to in Doxa where I can be honest with this sin, and mostly for the forgiveness I have received for this. Firstly and foremost, forgiveness from God who saved me and forgives me and grants me grace as I continue the fight against this sin. Secondly, for those I have apologized to and have granted me forgiveness for the ways I have broken trust and hurt them in ways which I had no conscience effort in doing. I am so grateful that they are loving and accept me in my weakness and sin. I don’t deserve their friendship, kindness or love, yet they continue to show me these things so gracefully.
I came across this song yesterday and the pain that I felt when I heard and read the lyrics was overwhelmingly depressing. I continue to pray that I will not have to cause another person to be in pain from my words that they feel like my trust, friendship or love is worth just simply walking away from. I pray that God would convict me when I do sin against Him or someone and that I would come humbly before them and seek forgiveness and reconciliation with those I have wronged. I know that there is only true forgiveness and reconciliation in Christ who died for my sins and I am so grateful to God for saving me.
Dave Barnes Lyrics
Sticks And Stones :
You would have kept those words on your tongue
If you had known the hurt they had done
While your fists stayed right
Right by your side
Your words, they bruise me deep inside
I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Then the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me
Sometimes your words are thick as lead
You swing them strong upside my head
What hasn't killed has made me strong
So I'll take my scars and move along
I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Then the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me
Goodbye is the best way that I know
To forgive and still be letting go
I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Then the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

Here's to our words, and the sticks and stones we have all learned from

Intentional Living.

Today for whatever reason I feel like God is working in me to finally start living intentionally. This is either very sad, considering I'm now 24 and am just starting to figure this out; or great news for so many neglected and mistreated areas of my life. I want to begin to truly maintain the areas of my life that I have let sit there and be. Or responsibilites I have neglected that I finally want to take ownership of and get back on track. My finances. My weight and health. My passion for missions in the local area and my heart for Christ. I want to honor Him with all these areas more. I need to stop being so freaking LAZY!! I am far to quick to give into my laziness and then the day is gone and I feel so guilty for having done nothing productive. Now here me on this, I don't think those days are altogether bad or wrong, I just don't ever really have prodictive ones to balance them out!

I really hope that with this new spark or fire(or smoking flax if you have read The Bruised Reed) is finally, hopfully, maybe going to gain some momentum in my life. I owe this revelation to Christ of course. My goodness how He has revealed my laziness, my lack of ambition and my numbness to the urgency of furthering the Gospel. What a selfish fool I have been. I pray that God will continue to reveal these areas for growth in me. That He would continue to put that urgency in my whole being so that I long for the days when I had some free time. I pray that I put my free time to good use, whether that is balancing my checkbook, going shopping for healthy foods, going to a coffee shop to read my Bible and hopefully meeting someone new, working out or cleaning my room. Rather than just watch my busy and intentional room mates run around with purpose, ambition and on mission. I pray that He would bring people into my life to help hold me accountable and encourage me in these things. What kind of a life am I living if I am not intentional with how I spend my time? Thank you Father for opening my eyes to this. I am so grateful and I pray that I would lean on you when I don't feel like doing what I know I should. Give me the strangth to do your will.

Here's to Intentional Living. =)

To forgive is divine...

I don't even know what to say in those moments. What do you say other than thank you when a friend forgives you? One of the worst things in life is being given the revelation that you have betrayed and hurt them unknowingly. I hate when I do this. And don't we all? There is always that horrifying feeling in the pit of your stomach and your heart break just a little to realize that your own natural and sinful depravity took over and you unknowingly hurt someone you care about, only to find out weeks later that you ever did it! Especially when it is about breaking trust. Trust is such a vital part to any relationship and breaking that, for me, is two fold- both unacceptable and ineveitable. We are all prone to fail one another as humans in this area and I am so thankful for the forgiveness that we are given from God for it. For the repentence he allows us to ask for in order to get the farogivness. It is through the forgiveness of others that I am able to see that extension of grace from God in how Jesus came to die for my sins and I am reconciled to Him through Jesus and him taking on all my sin on the cross. What an incredible thing that kind of forgiveness is!! I am so thankful for my community of loving friends in their willingness to forgive me in the many many times I break and take advantage of their trust. I just hope that I am able to convey forgiveness to others as I am so undeserving of it myself.

Here's to forgiveness...

*Sing along if you know it!*
Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry...

To or From? It's a Fine Line.

Running. I am not a fan. In fact, I have a very love/hate relationship with running. I decided last week to be overly ambitious and go for a relatively short run/jog/walk down to the school near the house. Then I got really arrogant for not working out for 3 months and decided is was a good idea to stop at the park on the way home to do squats and lunges. I hope to as quickly as possible getrid of the mass amount of pounds around my waist but would very much like to get some junk in the trunk, since thanks to my mom's side, I am without any junk. With all that being said, I could barely stand to shave my legs in the shower after. I was so sore! Sometimes I love that feeling. Sure I complain every now and then because when its painful to sit down to pee, well now thats just annoyoing. but sometimes it is a good soreness and I think that this will lead to the results I am seeking. So here I am a week later, finally not waking up sore and decided to run again after I declined an invite from some roomies for a group run. This girl has a hard time keeping a steady pace alone, I would rather not embarrass myself and hold others back because of my horrible running skills. I probably look so ridiculous running. Red faced, looking like I'm probably going to pass out, breathing really heavily even though I am okay, Im just like 100lbs overweight so THIS is what running for this body type looks like. lol. But it's what works for me for now and I hope to see improvements in my running. Let's just hope I get the itch again that got me up last week. I have to want this for myself. I never regret it once it's over. Its always starting that is the hardest part. Sometimes I wish there was a pill for motivation. I mean I know there are drugs out there that are going to give me energy to run around, probably screaming and hallucinating, but I have far to much of an addictive personality to start on drugs. haha.

Sometimes I wonder why I run.... I mean okay, I wouldn't qualify myself as a real "runner" but still it IS something I think about. Sometimes I think I am running towards something. The new me, a new body, not only shed the LB's but run towards all the opportunities and things I could do with a new me. Other times, though I don't want to admit it, I feel like I am running away from life. The shame, hurt nd ewmbarraassment I have carried. The lonliness I have felt because I can so easily put it on how I look and say "that is why I don't have/didn't get __________" The repulsing disgust I feel and see when I look at myself in the mirror. Then I remember Christ and how he died for all those sinful things, those things I had no idea I was going to think or say or do!! How God's love is much more powerful than the negative thoughts, feelings or things I want to run from. I am reminded that I am beautiful. That because I am made in His image that I am made wonderfully. What an absolute joy that brings me! I am grateful that through these struggles, it is only a reminder of how thankful I am to God for saving me. That I need to continue run to Him when I feel all those awful things about myself. That through those bad feelings, I am only being called to draw more closely to Christ and that is an amazing thing! It is a true act of grace!

Here's to running, may Christ find you in whatever you are running from.